I am just a month and a few days shy of living one and half years without Kenny. This morning as I was driving back to my apartment I realized that if Kenny was alive we would be celebrating 12 years together, and 10 married. I just celebrated his 38th birthday but truly he will forever be 36. I am about to turn 31. Time is marching on, time is fleeting and so very precious.
Every since my last post time has just rushed past me, I feel like I just sat down to update my blog but it has been almost a month. Time just slips on past so quickly and quietly.
I am happy to say I passed my second semester of nursing school, in the fall I will start my second and final year of my associates degree in nursing. I am still in a bit of shock that I am done my first year of nursing school. I keep thinking how in the world did 9 months past already? Wasn’t it just yesterday I was watching my Mom and brother pull out of my driveway as I started this new life?
Once finals were over I had to jump into one last commitment I had made before I could say I was completed with the semester. I had the honor to be the guest speaker at the End of the Year Factually Luncheon. When I was first asked to speak I had to ask why me? Surely they had more qualified, more interesting people to speak. I was told they wanted to inspire the faculty to help them realize what an important role they play in helping us students achieve our dreams of obtaining our college education. I was thrilled to be asked and it was a wonderful afternoon!
Once I was done the speech I hit the road to celebrate and remember Kenny’s birthday. This was the second birthday without him and it was so painful. I had a hard time getting out of bed that morning, it started with a sob session. But thankfully I had my commitment of the speech and I had to drag myself into the day.
I had of course planned out to a T how I was going to celebrate, I had it all written down and set. I started driving to my destination when I heard Kenny say clear as day, turn left. I was like no I have plans and again he said, turn left. So I did and I am so glad I did!!! I ended up in Grafton Notch State Park in Maine. It was a totally perfect way to spend the day remembering my husband. It was a spur of the moment trip that was all outdoors, got me muddy, dirty, sweaty, and I was able to have the whole place to myself! I didn’t see a single person all day, just nature, Sweet Pea, Kenny’s presence and our love surrounded me all day!
I ended the day with a nice meal out and then home to have another sob session. While it was a great day, I also just missed Kenny. I think since I am about to reach the one and half year mark some people think I don’t miss him as much. There will never be a day I don’t miss Kenny, my grief may not be as sharp, but there will always be a piece of my life missing. That piece of my life had the most amazing chocolate brown eyes, black hair that had this little cowlick in the back that never laid down, a laugh that filled a room, arms that when encircled me made my whole world a safe and loving place, and was my rock that anchored me in a way that I never knew I could be. I am Kenny’s widow when I want nothing more then to be only his wife.
As I embark on my first summer here in the North Country I know I am about to have lots of laughs, fun, and adventures. My life is good here, I am finding happiness. There will also be tears, painful moments, and days that I will be frozen with heartache of widow hood. I am going to embrace each moment of it, the parts that hurt and that parts that are full of delight. Life can change in the blink of an eye, today will never come again, it is a blessing to be alive so I will live!